OK, confession time. I have not been making good use of my time. I know, your shocked. The girls are with their dad for an extended period over Christmas Break this year, so I've been at home, with no one. I've spent that time going to parties (fun, but not necessarily productive), cleaning the kitchen, hallway, and laundry room (productive, but boring - and I NEED to remember to use gloves when I work with bleach - OUCH!), doing laundry (again, productive, but BORING), going to movies (fun, but not productive), putzing around on Facebook, watching TV, and reading. Sounds nice, I suppose, but I have realized that I need a hobby or something if I'm going to remain, well, sane (hey - no comments!).

A year ago today, my husband walked out on me and the girls. At that time, I couldn't imagine how I was going to survive the day, much less the next year. I can't remember much about the first few months, except for prayers, tears, and lonliness. I know for almost a year, I misplaced my anger towards him onto his girlfriend. I blamed her for everything. What I didn't blame her for, I blamed myself. Today, I have more appropriately placed my anger where it belongs, however, I have also learned to let go. (slowly, very, very slowly).

I know I am not the first woman to live through a toxic marriage, not the first woman who deluded myself into thinking I was happy, stuffing my misery down with food. I know I'm not the first woman who felt guilty for suspecting my husband was cheating on me, or to be devastated to realize that my suspicions were true. I know I'm not the first woman to live through my husband walking out on me - probably not even the first one whose husband would dare to leave on Christmas Day.

I don't know how other women survive without faith. My faith, and my Christian family held me up this past year. Without my faith, I would not have survived. The numerous times I spent in my bathroom with that razor at my wrist or my neck, then I heard that still small voice telling me He loves me, He knows the numbers of hairs on my head, He believes that I am worthy, it terrifies me to think that I ever stooped that low. I am amazed at God's strength, love, power, and grace - to continue to care about me, who would have so easily just thrown it all away.

This morning, I woke up and brought the girls to my almost ex's condo. I will be separated from them for a week and a half, while they spend time with their dad. I expected this to be harder than it was. (Of course it's only been a few hours, so maybe it will get tougher as the 11 days pass.) I have never been away from the girls for this long. However, I know I can handle this, through prayer, and borrowed strength.

I truly know, can truly understand how God provides now. I can truly understand His strength, His power, His love. Without this really tough year, I would not have the same understanding. For that I am truly grateful. I remember one of those first nights, turning to the Bible and reading "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all things, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus". I remember thinking, "yeah, right". Being the sarcastic person that I am, I'm pretty sure I said something like, "OK, God, Thank you that I married a lying, cheating, slimey bastard!" However, now I do thank God for this time, for His strength, for guiding me through all this.

This afternoon, as I stared out at my back yard, at the trees, I remember the multiple times through this past year that I've looked at those same trees. I've looked at them, watched them cycle through the season, and realized how fortunate I really am.

I do not understand a lot of things. (and boy is that an understatement).

The trees are dormant now, but they will spring back to life again. This dormancy seems exhausting to me, I don't know how they do it every year. I do not feel dormant any longer. I feel like I am in a new spring of my life. I don't know where it will take me, but I know this for sure - as long as I continue to turn to God, as long as I continue to allow myself to be helped and loved, as long as I continue to keep the girls as a top priority in my life, God will be with me to give me the strength to handle what is to come.

What a blessing His strength is.

Praise be to God in the Highest!

Merry Christmas!

I have always loved Christmas. I'm sure that's largely because of how I was brought up. My mom started listening to Christmas Carols once Labor Day hit (although I think she sometimes listened to them secretly before then). When we got older and moved on to college, we would go to California to visit my uncle for Christmas. Christmas was big and traditional for him. Traditionally Norwegian immigrant, I mean. Christmas memories for me are of singing, fireplaces, leffse (or is it lefse?), Grandma and Grandpa, going to Christmas Eve service, laughing, drinking, dressing up, enjoying time with family. In my adult life, I have tried to continue my love of Christmas. Unfortunately, I married a man who is a killjoy for most everything I love - especially Christmas. Fortunately, though, he left last Christmas Day to go and live with his girlfriend. I would never have imagined 6 months ago, 9 months ago, 11 months ago, that I would have ever used the word "fortunately" in that sentence. However, that is the way I feel today. I am not writing to bash my almost ex-husband. He's a good man, if confused, and truly messed up. He has his own demons that he has to wrestle with, and although I have something to say about those, this is not the place for me to do so. I am writing because I am reclaiming, well, read the title, you'll figure it out. You're smart that way, right?

OK, so my to be ex is going to keep the girls overnight this Saturday. It's so rare that I have a night to myself, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I feel like my social time is quickly coming to an end. Hopefully I'll be working soon on the weekends that he has the girls. I sort of feel like I need to live it up! There are just a few problems with that:
1. Money - anything I do has to be free, or like free.
2. Time - I am teaching Sunday School on Sunday, and he is actually going to drop the girls off with me on Sunday am so I can take the girls to Sunday School, and Sarah can sing at the 11:00 service.
3. Oh, let's call this frumpiness - when it comes down to it, I'm a family girl. I would really rather be with my family than anywhere else. I do enjoy getting together with other people to play games. Maybe I should see if some people are available to play cards or something. Anything I can think that I would really enjoy doing, I would rather wait until I have the girls again. I don't think I'm a very exciting single woman!
4. Twilight - there is a real possibility that I'll stay in Saturday night and just read. These books are wonderful, and well, it could be good company, right?

OK, I have to figure out a plan for Saturday night! Something social, that will end early enough so that I can go home and read! Yep, that sounds like a plan to me!

Why, why, why did I do that?

Note to self: sometimes the truth is so much worse than I could possibly imagine.

1. I really want Barack Obama to win the presidential election next month - by a lot, so there is no recount and no delay of results.
2. I really hope the great new neighbors stay nearby for a while, especially since their daughter is a great friend for Emma.
3. I really want to get myself a pair of nice, real gold (not plated) hoop earrings.
4. I really hope I can afford to see the eye doctor soon.
5. I really hope the girls will grow up to be all that they can be.
6. I really want to replace the carpet downstairs.
7. I really want to replace the carpet upstairs.
8. I really want to decide on a paint color for the family room.
9. I really hope I can figure out how to hang the Christmas lights on the house this year.
10. I really want, dare I even say need, my own drill.
11. I really want just one month where something in this house doesn't break.
12. I really need to figure out how to get to that strange light bulb in the hallway to the laundry room.
13. I really don't want anymore mice in this house.
14. I really hope we can get a few more zucchini's and tomatoes out of our garden this year.
15. I really hope the girls will be ready to go out soon.
16. I really want to read the next "Twilight" book.
17. I need to stop saying "really".
18. I should take down Emma's birthday cards.
19. I need to file some more papers.
20. I need more V8 juice and breakfast fruit.
21. I want to clean out the garage.
22. I want my own power tools - with cool cat safety glasses, too!
23. I want to take a nap.
24. Or a cup of coffee.
25. I'd settle for some tea.
26. Maybe even a soda.

OK, that's enough of my list for now.

OK, I've never been good at waiting to give gifts. I suppose you could call me an enthusiastic giver! I've always been that way. I remember in elementary school, I couldn't wait to tell my sister what gift I got her. Emma's birthday is coming up towards the end of this month. I have no money, so I told Emma she could choose to have a party or a nice gift, but I couldn't afford both. She chose the gift. I've been talking and talking with her about what she might want. She gave me several suggestions, but finally settled on a Nintendo DS. This is about $40.00 more than I wanted to spend, but she's been so awesome lately, not complaining about the changes in lifestyle, and really helping around the house, so I went ahead and coughed up the extra $40.00. But, now, I have to wait.